The decision to post this has not been an easy one, however I feel that it’s something I need to do not only for my self but more importantly for those who have been victims of my actions, hurt by my ways and let down by my choices. Today I am celebrating being a full 8 months clean from drugs and alcohol. To none addicts you may think its only 8 months but to the likes of myself an addict 8 months is a very, very long time.
I started using drugs namely cocaine over 10 years ago however this was a controlled decision limiting my use to mainly to weekends and special occasions. Although its clearly a wrong choice if I’m being honest I wasn’t too concerned about my “party” habbit as my life was moving in a relatively positive direction with a decent job, friends and family relationships.
For the purpose of this message I don’t need to go into the ins and outs of my life movements publicly so therefore I will now fast forward a few years.
Cocaine eventually and quite rapidly took control. I started to make bad decisions and fairly quickly started to loose people around me, but I did not care about what I was doing or who I was hurting all I cared about was cocaine. Eventually after constant lies, manipulation, theft, dishonesty, violence and abuse I was no longer welcome at either my mums home or my dads I ended up sofa surfing anywhere I could. This in turn after stealing from a friend to fund my habbit as my entire monthly salary would go within days of payday resulted in them informing my parents. I ended up going to rehab.
Again to fast forward. On the same day I left rehab I used again. I was then sent packing from home and lost complete contact with my family from again manipulation and theft to enable me to buy cocaine. Over the last three years I have continued to put my addiction first. I have continued to lie, steal and cheat anyone I could. I have done things that are completely off the radar of imagination to those who live and lead a “normal life” this Is because I am a drug addict.
I now have a criminal record, I have lost my appearance, my reputation, any chance of a career and also many friends and family. I have spent time in mental hospitals with mental health issues from drug miss use.
After a incident in February resulting in being hospitalised I had the biggest wake up call after not one member of my family visited me. This hit me and woke me up.
I have worked hard to stay clean the last 8 months and although I have a very very long way to go I am slowly building myself back up and I am on the road to recovery. It has been a difficult 8 months and I am no where near 100% living a normal life, as an addict you live your life so close to the edge it will take time to learn how to move away from that. I have still manipulated certain things and still tell a few lies but most importantly I am drug free and in turn I will start to be able to live a normal and happy life.
I really want to apologise to everyone I have hurt, cheated, stole from and manipulated over the last few years. I was a drug addict (I will always be an addict) and my actions were to satisfy my needs. Some of you especially those who have been a direct victim naturally wont accept this apology but I hope that it may enable you to understand why.
If there is anybody reading thinks that they suffer with addiction be it alcohol or drugs or you know someone who does please please reach out. I am willing to talk to anyone about my story and offer advice and support to those who want it. This will absolutely be treated with the up most confidence and complete discretion.
Over the next few weeks my mum and I are setting up a group for those who suffer. My mum to talk to family members of addicts and myself to talk with the addict.
If you have managed to find the patience to read this Thank you.